By the Associated Press

FLORIDA — January 2010 marks the release of the long anticipated upgrade to the Maternal Officer for Mindful Management of the Young, also known as “MOMMY.” MOMMY 2.0, a revitalized version of the previous MOMMY unit, features a new operating system that is already demonstrating improved functionality and efficiency. Experts credit increased power intake as a leading factor in this enhancement.

“It almost sounds counterintuitive in this ‘green era’ of energy conservation, but the more power MOMMY consumes, the better impact MOMMY has on the environment,” one observer shared. “We have found that power sources such as sleep, Scripture, and sunshine are vital to a MOMMY’s performance, improving the atmosphere of the household.”

Unlike MOMMY 1.0, which ran on 5 to 6 hours’ sleep, MOMMY 2.0 charges for a minimum of 8 hours per night, sometimes beginning as early as 9 p.m. Though a MOMMY’s sleep cycle experiences occasional interruption—as is customary when minding small children—the MOMMY is able to recover much more quickly when batteries have already been charging for several hours.

By contrast, elements which deplete the MOMMY’s power supply—such as prolonged computer usage—have been scaled back. Though this does occasionally have a negative impact on the MOMMY’s ability to blog, fans of the upgrade insist that the long-term benefits far outweigh the inconvenience of temporary lapses in blog production.

The MOMMY upgrade also features increased anti-virus measures, such as frequent hand-washing and daily vitamin intake. In addition, MOMMY 2.0 remains SPAM-resistant, preferring fresh, budget-friendly meals to faux ham in a can.

It is important to note that while MOMMY 2.0 is more efficient than its previous version, distributors insist it is far from perfect. “We recognize that MOMMY will never achieve its full potential until recalled by the manufacturer,” said a source. “In the meantime, we hope to continue making upgrades that will benefit the home environment, the human race, and the world.”

Jude, an actual MOMMY 2.0 user, was reached for comment early this morning, saying only, “Goo.”