By the Associated Press

FLORIDA — January 2010 marks the release of the long anticipated upgrade to the Maternal Officer for Mindful Management of the Young, also known as “MOMMY.” MOMMY 2.0, a revitalized version of the previous MOMMY unit, features a new operating system that is already demonstrating improved functionality and efficiency. Experts credit increased power intake as a leading factor in this enhancement.

“It almost sounds counterintuitive in this ‘green era’ of energy conservation, but the more power MOMMY consumes, the better impact MOMMY has on the environment,” one observer shared. “We have found that power sources such as sleep, Scripture, and sunshine are vital to a MOMMY’s performance, improving the atmosphere of the household.”

Unlike MOMMY 1.0, which ran on 5 to 6 hours’ sleep, MOMMY 2.0 charges for a minimum of 8 hours per night, sometimes beginning as early as 9 p.m. Though a MOMMY’s sleep cycle experiences occasional interruption—as is customary when minding small children—the MOMMY is able to recover much more quickly when batteries have already been charging for several hours.

By contrast, elements which deplete the MOMMY’s power supply—such as prolonged computer usage—have been scaled back. Though this does occasionally have a negative impact on the MOMMY’s ability to blog, fans of the upgrade insist that the long-term benefits far outweigh the inconvenience of temporary lapses in blog production.

The MOMMY upgrade also features increased anti-virus measures, such as frequent hand-washing and daily vitamin intake. In addition, MOMMY 2.0 remains SPAM-resistant, preferring fresh, budget-friendly meals to faux ham in a can.

It is important to note that while MOMMY 2.0 is more efficient than its previous version, distributors insist it is far from perfect. “We recognize that MOMMY will never achieve its full potential until recalled by the manufacturer,” said a source. “In the meantime, we hope to continue making upgrades that will benefit the home environment, the human race, and the world.”

Jude, an actual MOMMY 2.0 user, was reached for comment early this morning, saying only, “Goo.”

(click to enlarge)

NUTRITION FACTS:

Serving Size: 1 Thumb
Servings: 2
Calories: 0

100% All Natural Ingredients: Frogs, Snails, Puppy Dog Tails.

(That’s what little boys are made of.)

No artificial flavors, colors, or preservatives.

Extra sweet.

They say that babies should always be positioned on their backs for sleep.

Just wondering: Does the same apply to cats?

I’m not only the Hair Club President—
I’m also a client.

I have finally figured out why a woman’s hair grows thicker and more lustrous during pregnancy. It’s to make up for all the hair she will lose after the baby is born. Not from stress, mind you, but by force. At the moment I am convinced that Jude, my sweet little peanut, is systematically trying to pull out every last strand of my hair. More often than not, you will find him resting comfortably on my shoulder—one hand in his mouth, the other clutching my ponytail. OWWWW.

With Noah, I made the easy choice. I cut my hair short (relatively short, for me). It was a traumatic event, and I barely made it to the car before bursting into the hysterical tears of the insecure and sleep-deprived. This was shortly after Jenny McCarthy debuted her angular bob on the Oprah show, and I thought I could pull it off. (Note to self: I couldn’t.)

Since then, I have yet to darken the door of any salon that features leopard carpets and an array of tattooed hair professionals. Just an annual trim at the Hair Cuttery and I am good to go. But now… now, the temptation to chop the mop is ever so alluring. I would not be the first to sacrifice her strands to escape the slow torture of having them plucked out by the handful. Didn’t you ever wonder why Kate Gosselin went with the reverse-mullet hairdo—long strands in front, short in the back? The media has yet to catch on. It was to keep her long hair from the chubby little clutches of six infants! Genius!

Now, if only we can offer an alternative hairstyle beyond the “Momhawk” of Gosselin fame. The Hair Club for Moms is committed to researching the most functional, fashionable hairstyles for mothers that require only one shampoo a week, no hair dryer, no “product,” and no risk of premature baldness at the hands of small children. A hairstyle that does not require you to have a face like Natalie Portman to pull it off.

We may be working on this for a while.

*      *      *

(Lauren’s makeover compliments of Virtual Hairstyles)

“Your quiet time is only as good as it invades your noisy time.”
—Words from my pastor

Golden arches straddle the building like gates to a celestial city. As we approach, the glass doors slide open (swishhh) as though moved by an invisible hand. Genuflecting, I remove Noah’s shoes.

It’s not holy ground. It’s a McDonald’s PlayPlace.

But it’s a kind of sanctuary to me.

Lately, I am taking my “quiet time” (Bible study and prayer) to some very noisy places. This PlayPlace, an indoor playground styled as a mini-gym for tots, is my current favorite. It has everything I need: food that my child will eat, free refills, and a corner booth from where I can watch Noah play while I actually get a chance to read and think. Granted, there are drawbacks—most notably the “bikini carwash” situated next door, offering a rather distracting view of bikini-clad coeds scrubbing windshields (apparently a very lucrative business model, judging from the traffic). But with my back to the window and the stroller parked beside me, I can steal a few moments of peace in a place crawling with shrieking children and spilled fries.

It’s no McMonastery, but it’ll do.

Guess whose baby slept from 10 p.m. to 4 a.m. last night?

MINE! MINE! MINE!

Yep, folks—that is six straight hours of sleep.

I AM REBORN!

My Ford Escape (literally and figuratively)

You know you are the mother of small children

when you buckle everyone into the car

and drive around the block

with no destination in mind

and no plans of stopping

Just enjoying having your hands free

and the kids quiet

and the radio on

and the feeling of moving somewhere

getting somewhere

even though you are going nowhere

in a toy-free

discipline-free

diapering-free zone.

There is a house,
a napping house,
where everyone is sleeping.

— From The Napping House, by Audrey Wood
(One of Noah’s favorite books)

3:45 p.m. The boys are asleep. At the same time. All of them — including the cat. Jude, after a long period of uncharacteristic wakefulness, finally dozed off: his warm, pudgy body laid across my lap, chubby legs dangling over the side. Noah, who woke to use the bathroom, insisted he was up for the afternoon, then proceeded to collapse in a heap on the living room couch. That was two hours ago. Leo (the cat) is stretched out unconscious on the piano, looking like he will wake to do his lounge act as soon as he finishes his beauty sleep.

I’ve often heard — and delivered — the wise advice to “sleep when the baby sleeps.” I suspect, though, that plenty of mothers, like me, wrestle with the temptation to get something done when the house is quiet: shower, clean, blog, work (I am tackling the latter two). Raising children is so incremental, we often don’t having anything to show for it at the end of the day but a messy house and kids in their pajamas, asleep — hopefully with full bellies and a few more dreams and lessons and vocabulary words rattling around in their brains than the day before. I can’t generate a Profit & Loss Statement for mothering like I can with my bookkeeping job.

But this — tuning into the easy rhythm of a napping house — feels like an investment. Listening to the breathing and sighing of sleeping children. The humming of the fridge. The tinny song of the ice cream trunk as it rumbles down the street (Don’t you DARE wake up my children!). It may not look like much of an accomplishment, this resting, but there is definitely something gained.

Just don’t ask me what’s for dinner.

Jude and Nana G.

This is it. The last of the cavalry has departed. Pete’s mom flew home to Pennsylvania early this morning after an almost two-week visit, leaving a gleaming household in her wake. We have so much clean laundry, our drawers are bulging with Tide-scented bundles folded as neatly as origami. The scent of Tide and Mr. Clean lingers like a new-car smell.

Unlike the scent of moi, which at the moment is Parfum de Spit-Up. It has been a volatile day at the baby digestive factory. The highlight had to be Jude’s remarkable intestinal output during church, the sound of which resonated like a sonic boom. Those are the moments when you hope and pray the person in front of you realizes you are holding a baby. I have found that the safest course of action is usually a swift departure, or a loud, “That was a good one, baby!“

Unfortunately, this is not altogether convenient or even possible during a prayer or sermon.

So it’s best to just run for the door.

Anyway, after nearly a month of being pampered, entertained, and thoroughly spoiled by visiting family members, I am now face-to-face with our new normal: LIFE WITH TWO KIDS. I am 12 hours in and — I am happy to report — have not made any hysterical phone calls to my husband or sister or 911 (just semi-hysterical). I even made pancakes and paid bills today with a baby on my hip, relearning what it is like to do everything one-handed. A shower was impossible, but I managed to dress in actual pants with an actual zipper, so that should count for something. I am trying to break my yoga pants addiction and save my marriage.

So here we go: me, Pete, two boys, and a fuzzy cat, figuring out what this combination looks like on a day-to-day basis. Our new normal.

Gulp.

Be afraid. Be very afraid.